How I never met your mother
by Exile037
Summary: Takes place after the death of Tyresse and before the group gets contacted by Aaron from Alexandria. Rick and the others head to a cabin in the woods to stay for the night. But unknown to them, the cabin was already taken. How will this fare? How I met your mother/Two and a half men/Walking Dead. Triple crossover.


How I Never Met Your Mother

The group continue on ahead away from Noah's house after the loss of Tyresse. Before that, they were trapped and imprisoned in Terminus. Ever since they liberated themselves from Terminus and killed the people there, they remain unsure what to do. Rick and a few decided to stay in Gabriel's church, while the rest who followed Abraham to take Eugene to Washington. Rick and the others that stayed came into contact with Darryl who told them that Beth was held captive back in Atlanta. Things also did not go as planned in for Abraham and the rest of the group that followed him when Eugene reveal that he lied about a cure to only save his own skin.

To make matters worse, they lost Beth in the city. Everyone grieved including her sister Maggie before they dug her a burial site outside Gabriel's church. They lost Tyresse when they went to Noah's mother's house to find Noah's mother and brother who he thought to be alive. Tyresse's death was especially hard on Sasha to witness the loss of her brother. Now, Darryl was scouting ahead while the group remained behind in the woods, in a camp two miles away from him. After a few minutes of walking, Darryl spotted a run down house as he brought up his crossbow and cautiously walk toward the cabin. He steadily approach the door knob and squeezed it gently, slowly opening the door with his crossbow ready as he went inside the cabin.

The inside of the house was hardly decent as the walls were barely cracked, the wooden floors were dirty with an old zombie foot that looked to be two years old. A dusty carpet that laid burnt out in the living room fireplace, the rug itself still smelt for almost a week. Darryl proceed with caution as he went into the kitchen finding it empty as well. He checked the shelves and found canned foods, leaving six cans to be in one shelf. There were more in the rest of stored foods a couple of more shelves, even bottled waters in the refrigerator. He closed it and went to the next room, as he used his hand to open it to reveal a bedroom. Wooden walls, a lamp on a nightstand, and a queen sized bed. He closed the door to the room as he went upstairs, slowly walking up the steps.

The stairs creak with each step Darryl took as he remained still, listening closely for anyone or anything to be in the cabin. After a moment of silence of hearing nothing, Darryl moved up the stairs as he reached the top. He made his way to the door on his front as he opened it, seeing another bedroom with a closet. He slowly walked through the closet and cautiously opened it. What caught Darryl's attention about the closet was that it was filled with $5,000 Armani business suits. He wondered who would be wearing something like this in a world where the dead walk. Darryl looked through the closet to make sure nothing life threatening such as a walker was not inside, before he closed the closet door shut. He went on the next room and opened the door, as he noticed a lot of science fiction novels and books on the floor follow by a portrait of the view of the outside window showing the woods. Darryl went into the second-to-last room as he noticed a workbench of guns on the table.

Eight Smith and Wesson handguns, clean and scrubbed. Two double barrel shotgun, with one of them a sawed off shotgun. A M16 assault rifle scrubbed and weatherized. Lastly, a S-25 sniper rifle which an extended mag and a fitted scope with on and off night vision. Darryl picked up the Smith and Wesson getting a feel of the handgun, before setting it back on the table. Darryl step out of the room and went into the last bedroom to see it was hardly made up, and an empty closet with nothing inside it. The room also smelled awful as he covered his mouth and closed the door.

"This room smells like shit. It's like something died in that damn room!" he said as he went downstairs, taking a step back glancing at the kitchen. "Better grab a can or two from that kitchen before I go."

After grabbing two canned foods, Darryl step out of the cabin and walked back to Rick and the group. He felt a small drop on his head, as he looked up at the sky to see dark clouds slowly form up to each other. Darryl looked down and spotted a rabbit moving a yard away from as he took out his crossbow, aiming it toward the hare. He fired the shot and the arrow struck through the neck of the rabbit, as Darryl quickly walked over to it before a walker could come out of the woods and feed on it. After nine minutes of running, Darryl made it back to the group preparing to leave the campsite.

Rick glanced at Darryl while carrying a duffle bag. "Tell me you found us a place to stay." he said

"Yeah." Darryl replied. "There's a cabin two miles away from here. Shelter when we can stay for the night." he pulled out one of the canned foods from his bag as he showed it to the group. "It's shit, but it's got plenty of food and water. The whole place is empty. Nobody inside."

"Good." Rick turned to the group. "Pack up and go. We're leaving out now."

"There were guns and suits in that house. Could be people there."

"Did you take any guns? We don't want whoever lives there"

"No."

The group walked in the woods for twenty minutes, nearly out on the two mile walk. They can hear the sound of thunder, meaning that it will rain for the rest of the night and they had six minutes left before it could rain. They were near the cabin Darryl mentioned when they notice a light inside the house, with movement coming in the living room as Rick spotted people inside the cabin. He motion his hand for the group as he, Darryl and Michonne silently moved to the bushes. Outside there was a middle aged man wearing a polo shirt and a guy in a fancy suit chopping up wood.

Rick glanced at Darryl. "Looks like the house."

"Just what I thought." Darryl said. "I don't know who the hell they are though."

Carl sneak behind his father. "What now?" he asked. "We go somewhere else?"

"No. Me, Darryl, and Michonne will go over there." Rick stated. "You and the others stay here. I'll give you the signal if they try something."

"Alright." Carl said moving back to keep an eye on his baby sister

Rick, Darryl, and Michonne step out of the bushes as Rick had his hand on his gun. Darryl readied his crossbow while Michonne had her hand behind her katana. The middle aged man and the guy in the suit were too busy with chopping wood that they did not they were being approached by Rick and the rest. Just when the middle aged man went to grab the last piece of firewood, that was when he notice Rick.

"Mother of God!" the middle aged man accidentally bump into the guy in the expensive suit

"Hey! Watch where you're going, Alan! You almost ruined my..." the man in the suit looked in front of said person to see Rick, Darryl, and Michonne. "Hey, crossbow guy. The Hillbilly store is that way."

Darryl pointed his crossbow at the guy in the suit. "What are you doing here? We found this first."

"Finders keepers, pal. We saw this place first." the suited man retorted in a slight grin on his face. "Now if you, rundown cowboy, and samurai lady over there would get lost that would be nice. Thanks."

Rick walked over to the man in the expensive business suit with a deadly look on his face. "We're not leaving. So you leave and go somewhere else cause we're not going anywhere."

"I-I- I have to go talk to my group about this. Excuse me." the guy in the suit utterly said, as he backed away from Rick and went inside the cabin

"Well, I'm Alan." Alan said introducing himself. "The guy you scared off was Barney. May I say that is a nice shirt." he gestured his finger at Rick's shirt. "Minus the blood stains." he added with Rick, Darryl, and Michonne giving him a look. "I'll just shut up. We'll just enjoy the quietness. Silence is good." Alan finished as Barney step out with three people. Two men with one of them tall, and a woman with red hair. "This is Ted, Marshal, and Lily. We have two more inside. A friend of mine and my son, Jake."

Ted took a step forward. "So Barney told us you found this place or something?"

"That's right. I found it."

"It's just you three or do you have a group somewhere?"

"Just us for now." Rick replied

Marshall stared at Michonne who stared at him back. "Sorry. It's just... you have a katana. That's awesome. I always wanted to find when this all started. We came to the dragon con convention at Atlanta. We thought everyone was going as zombies, but it turns out they really were at the time." Marshall said as a man come outside. "Back in New York, Ted and I had rapiers. Really wish I brought mine in the zombie apocalypse."

"This is Walden. The friend I was telling you about."

"When the zombies or walkers came, I was in a seminar to explain a new complex network for computers." Walden stated. "That's when we met Ted and his friends. You got any questions or we're just staying out here?"

Rick took a step toward Walden, then glanced at the group from the cabin. "How many people have you kill?"

"Three." Walden said

"Two." Lily said

"Six." Marshall answered. "Psychopaths. They were bandits."

"One." Alan replied. "Not much of a survivor."

"A hundred." Barney answered as Rick, Darryl, and Michonne. "I took them out James Bond. It was legend wait-for-it dary! I even left this guy behind in that convention where the dead started eating people."

"Where they trying to kill you?"

"No. took them down just like-" Rick grabbed Barney by the collar of his suit. "Whoa! Hey! Watch the suit, buddy! It costs 5 grand."

"Not as much as your life."

"I... have killed a lot of people. I even did a five finger palm of death at-"

"What a load of crap." said a woman's voice. "You could hardly save your own ass without me, Barney."

Rick turned to see a woman wearing a blue long sleeve shirt and blue jeans. She had a messy over the shoulders hairstyle. There were blood stains on her shirt and the bottom of her pants. She held a smith and wesson in her hand as she stared at Rick, Darryl, and Michonne. She glanced at the cabin group which consisted of Barney, Ted, Marshall, Lily, Alan and Walden seeing if they knew what was going on. She got a head shake from Ted and Lily as she holstered her gun.

"This is Robin." Lily introduced. "She's a friend of ours."

Darryl glanced at Robin. "You said he never killed anyone?"

"He never has." Robin stated. "Whenever it's someone trying to kill him or a walker, he just runs away like a little girl. I have to jump in to save his life a thousand times."

Michonne glanced at Robin with a stern look and asked. "You killed people?"

"They tried to kill me." she replied. "So what not return the favor and get the bastards back."

"How many?"

"Sixty." Robin replied as she walked toward the cabin. "Now can we all go inside? I want to get in before this rain comes over."

Rick looked behind him. "Everyone, come out!" he shouted as the group came out from the bushes. "This is my son, Carl. My daughter, Judith. Glen. Maggie. Sasha. Abraham. Rosita. Noah. And this is Tara."

"Please. Come in." Lily insisted. "It's getting to rain any minute." she added, receiving a nod from Rick as they all went inside. "Before the dead came, I was a kindergarten teacher. My husband Marshall was an environmental." Lily said leading Rick and the group to the kitchen

"Architect."

"Newswoman back in New York City. It's where we came from." Robin finished as she glanced at Rick. "What about you?" she asked

"I was in a hospital." he answered

Barney snorted. "Lame!" he exclaimed as Lily pinched him in the arm. "Ow! Lily, stop! That hurts."

"Behave yourself." she scolded

"So..." Lily trailed off as she and Marshall turned their attention to Rick. "How long you were in the hospital when the dead came? Days? Weeks?"

"A month." Rick said bluntly

"How did you end up in the hospital?" Marshall asked

"Me and my partner were tailing a crook. I was shot and got sent to the hospital." Rick stated

"You're a cop?" said a new voice as everyone looked to see a boy in his late teens

"This is my son, Jake. The one I told you about. Say hi, Jake."

"So are you a cop?" Jake asked him. "You look like a cop. You got that don't screw with me attitude. Plus you look pissed. So does the rest of your group. Even the guy with the crossbow."

"Sheriff."

Barney quickly wrapped his arm around Tara. "You seeing anyone? Cause of you are, before the apocalypse started, I was a-"

"I like girls." Tara said bluntly to Barney

"I can watch you two have sex, right?" Barney asked seeing the dirty looks Rosita and Tara gave him. "I'll take that as a no. How about you, private? Wanna drop and give me twenty?"

Abraham slammed Barney to a wall. "If I were you I would walk away, ass clown."

"If I were you, I- ow! Okay, fine! You win, ginger soldier."

Abraham let Barney and glanced at Ted and Marshall. "Keep an eye on your guy. Because if he pulls that crap with me again, I'll maim you two next."

"Buddy, I don't think-" Marshall stopped himself when he saw the serious look in Abraham's eyes as a deadly glare was given to him. "We'll watch him. We'll watch him."

"Do not screw this up, Barney."

"Oh, come on!"

"I'm serious." Ted whispered pointing directly at Barney. "Do not piss any of these people off." he told Barney as he only scoffed. "Look at them. They look like a group to not be messed with. And I'm pretty sure they've been killed."

"Please."

"Dude, I swear I will kick your ass if we end up dead by these guys." Marshall

"Okay, okay." Barney said in defeat. "Where's Robin?" he asked looking left and right

"I saw her going upstairs." Jake said. "She was coughing. She looked sick."

"Is she bit?"

Ted laughed and said. "No, no. Robin never gets bit."

"She probably caught something from the rain. I'll go check on her." Lily went upstairs to go check on Robin

"Well, you guys hungry?" Jake asked. "We got well... canned beans and peaches. That's all we got?"

Barney slapped Jake by the back of his head. "Just give them the food already. Sometimes it's like you're a special needs kid."

"You don't have to rude. And you're special."

"I am going to count to three." Barney started in a threatening tone. "If you don't give them the food, so help me-"

"Okay, okay." Jake complained setting a food for the group to eat. "As soon as we meet new people it's a slap to the head or a kick in the ass." he muttered

"You don't have to be rude." Alan said to Barney as he yawned. "I'm going to go hit the hay. Had a long day."

"All you did was chop for half of our firewood."

"I did all the work. I cut all of the firewood we had." Alan retorted. "You spent hours looking at your suit to make sure it wasn't covered in dirt." he said, walking out of the kitchen and into the living as he head up the stairs

"What the hell is with you all?" Darryl said leaving the dining room

Walden shrug his shoulders. "It's only those two."

"Especially Barney." Ted stated. "Okay. It's mostly Barney. So who's the leader of your group?"

"My dad." Carl said

"The Sheriff?" Jake pointed at Rick. "How long has he been your leader?"

"Almost two years." Glen said while Rick went into the other room

"Did you guys have other leaders before the sheriff?" Ted asked

"No. Rick was the only one we had." Maggie replied

"He's the reason you guys are still alive, then. Where is he anyway?"

"I saw him go upstairs a second ago." Walden stated

Then all of a sudden, bumping was heard from upstairs. "Dad?" they heard the bumping continue as Carl headed near the stairs. "Dad?"

The rest followed Carl upstairs where a light was on, with more moving and bumping being heard from the room. "What is he doing?" Waldon sighed. "Alan?" Walden moved closer to the door as a visible crack was noticed. "Alan! Alan, I swear if you-" he stopped to see Alan being slammed to the wall by Rick. "What the hell is going on here?"

"Ask your friend." Rick growled keeping Alan in a choke hold

Carl noticed a empty jar on the floor as he picked it up. "Alan, what did you do?" Walden asked

"Nothing." Alan said, gasping for air as Carl gave the empty jar to Darryl

"Alan, I'm going to ask you again." Walden said. "What. Did. You. Do?" he repeated

Darryl held the empty jar of apple sauce in front of Alan's face. "Did you take this?! Don't lie."

"What is that?" Walden leaned closer as he stared at the empty apple sauce jar. "Wait a minute... I just remember you guys have a baby when you walked inside. Did you steal baby food?"

"No!"

Barney scoffed and replied. "Yes you did, Alan. You took it up in your room."

"Did you take-" Walden quickly glanced back at Rick's group. "What's the baby's name?"

"Judith." Carl replied

"Huh." Jake said

Ted looked at Jake and said. "What?"

Jake glanced at Ted. "He said her name is Judith." he whispered pointing at Carl. "That's my mom's name."

Marshall looked left and right for his wife. "Where's Lily?" he asked

"She's still checking on Robin." Barney stated. "Don't worry, Marshall. I checked on Lily and Robin. They're fine. I'm going to go get a beer. Let me know when Alan gets punched in the face." he said exiting the room and heading downstairs

"I should go check on her. She might need help with Robin."

"I'll come with you." Ted said going with Marshall to check on Lily who was in Robin's room

"Who would win in a fight? Rick or my dad?"

Walden gave Jake a look and shook his head. "We just met them."

"I know." Jake replied. "But do you think Rick would kick my dad's ass?" he asked in a whisper

"Honestly, I think Rick would kick Alan's-"

"Aaah! Lily, why?! Why you?!" Marshall shouted

"SON OF A BITCH!" Ted yelled out

Jake tapped Waldon on his shoulder. "Was that Ted and Marshall?"

"Let's go check on them." Walden and Jake ran up to Robin's room and opened the door. Just when they did Waldon received a bit on his wrist from a walker turned Lily. "No, no. I am too good looking to die!" he pushed the walker turned Lily off of him and ran down the steps.

Jake felt a sharp pain as he looked on his arm to see that a zombie Robin had bit his arm. "Ow! What the hell?! This sucks. I didn't even get to have a beer before I die! This is the worst day ever!"

Walden suddenly the sheath of a sword as he looked back to see Michonne walking toward him. "No!" he ran out the cabin, pulling in a pool of mud as it still rain. "You stay away. You stay away from-" Michonne cut his head off as Carl shot it off after it landed on the ground, the head itself rolling into the woods.

Back in the cabin, Marshall and Ted leaned back in a wall as their hands were the wounds they received in their necks. Jake was pushed into a wall by Sasha.

"Easy. I mean..." Jake poked at the bite wound on his arm. "Can I at least have a beer before you kill me?"

Abraham looked back at the bottle of beer, as he loosen the top and tossed the beer at Jake. "Drink up, boy. This will be your last."

Jake took a quick sip, as he then took a chug and said. "So this is what beer tastes like. Well that sucks-" Carl shot Jake in the head

"This does suck." Marshall winced in pain as he stared at his dead wife with tears in his eyes. Her eye and mouth wide open, as a arrow was stuck to her other eye. "Why didn't we go with Lily?"

"Most of all, I didn't even get to finish my survival book." Ted admitted. "It was going to be informative. So detail. So-"

"Ted you weren't going to finish that book."

"Was too. Just-" Ted grunted in pain. "How did all of this go wrong? We had everything perfect. No one bit. No one killed. But just tonight, Lily had went to go check on Robin. Barney checked on and..."

Marshall weakly looked at his best friend. "Ted?"

"Barney knew she was bit." Ted said. "I don't believe this!" he exclaimed, wincing the bite mark on his neck was getting worse. "He left us to die!"

"I am going to kill him." Marshall declared. "Even with I'm dead, I will tear his flesh as a zombie."

Darryl crouched down to Ted and Marshall as he said. "Don't worry about your friend. He ain't going to survive. Him and that Alan guy."

"They took off when all hell broke loose, did they?" Ted stated

"They're long gone." Rick stated. "They didn't take any food with them either. They'll probably be dead before midnight."

"Since we're bit, you plan to put us down?"

"Yeah."

Marshall stood up from the wall in his weaken state. "I'll go down like my dead wife: an arrow in the eye."

"I rather see it coming while I'm down." Ted weakly said. "I thought I would live in the apocalypse, lead a small town. Maybe stay in the countryside since walkers don't stay there that often. And I'll never tell my kids how I met their mother."

Marshall continued to stand up holding the bite mark on his shoulder, as Darryl aimed his crossbow directly at Marshall's head. Ted watched Rick pull out his gun, slowly aiming it near his head as thunder roared away. Both Ted and Marshall nodded their heads letting Rick and Darryl know they were ready. An arrow was launched at Marshall's eyes as his now dead body hit the wall with a wide grin while a simple gunshot hit Ted in the forehead. Meanwhile, a panicking Alan was running from his life. From walkers and an enraged sheriff, as he collided toward a nearby figure landing on the ground.

"Watch it!" a voice complained to Alan. "This is the only suit I have until I reach my secret cabin."

Alan recognized the voice and said. "Barney? What are you doing here?"

To which Barney replied. "Getting away from trouble, and mostly you."

"This-this is terrible." Alan uttered in fear. "Robin turns and bites Lily, everyone is probably dead. Worst of all, that Rick guy tried to kill me for stealing baby food. I mean, who knew Robin was bitten?"

"Oh, I did." Barney said nonchalant. "I knew she got bit when she started coughing. I saw her bite Lily too"

"You knew? You knew this whole time and didn't say anything?!" Alan shouted grabbing the collar of Barney's suit. "Why the hell would you not say anything?"

Barney shushed him and said. "Keep your voice down. You want every dead thing know we're here!" he looked left and right before turning his attention to Alan. "Yes, I knew was bit because I was the one to take on her first. So if any of this had went south just like tonight, I would go to my personal cabin that's almost a mile away."

"Did you set me up? Back in the cabin, Rick wanted to rip my head when I took his daughter's baby food. Did you take it?"

Barney shrugged his shoulder and said. "Yeah. I took the applesauce and set you up for the fall."

"Son of a bitch. You almost had me killed!" Alan exclaimed pacing back and forth with his hands on his head. "Why? Wh-wh- why are you even telling me this?"

Barney walked up to Alan with a mischievous grin on his face and said. "One: I plan to live before you ever do. Two: only I know where my secret cabin is. Where I keep all the food and water I have. And three: you're not going to survive the night because there's walkers behind you right now." he pushed Alan toward a walker that was behind him

"Barney! Barney!" the small group of walkers surrounded Alan and began feeding on him

"So long, sucker! I plan to live longer than anyone! Even you, Alan Harper!" Barney laughed running away, as he headed for his secret cabin in the woods. Barney smiled and looked back to see Alan being devoured. "I can't believe he didn't check behind him! What a total moron-" Barney's eyes went wide as a couple of walkers made his way in front of him and grabbed him. "NOOOOOOO!"

The next day, a small group of walkers crept out of the woods in their slow walk. Among them were two more walkers, one was in a polo shirt while another wore a bloodied and mud stained expense Armani suit. A reinforced car and bus drove on the road spotting walkers in the street, as both the car and bus came to a complete stop. A foot stepped out the driver side of the car as the sound of a gun click caught the walkers attention. In a quick second, every bullet hit the walkers dead center in the head while some of them had bullet holes in the eyes. A man wearing a shirt that highly resembled a bowling shirt, jeans, and brown shoes stepped forward. He had a bandanna on his head and a bandolier, carrying a machine gun in his hands took a spit at one of the walker corpses.

"These things always smelled on the outside. Inside too." he said as three women ran up and embraced him

"Oh, Charlie!"

"Thank you, Charlie!"

"Thank you for saving us!"

"Ladies, ladies. It was nothing. It was all-" Charlie stopped himself when he saw the corpse of his brother. "Alan? Oh God, oh Jesus." he knelt down near Alan's dead corpse. "I didn't know you where there. I shot my own brother. How would Mom ever look me in the eye- wait." he squinted his eyes and noticed his brother's gut were out before death. "Oh thank God. You were already dead. I thought I was screwed there for a second." Charlie then turned to stare at Barney's corpse with a look of disbelief. "I've seen that guy before."

"Who is he?"

"That's the guy that left me behind in that convention when all of this crap started." Charlie stood up and fired off a shot into Barney's skull. "About time you got bit in the ass, you son of a bitch. Hey, Berda!"

"What?" A red haired woman with a bandolier carrying a shotgun came out of the bus. "I ain't cleaning it up." Berda stopped and saw Alan's dead corpse. "I guess you don't have to worry about that room in your house anymore." she then looked at Barney. "Who the hell is he?"

"That's the bastard that left me to die in that dragon-con convention in Atlanta."

Berda looked the laid out corpses and said. "I still ain't cleaning it up." a walker head was using to his tongue to roll behind them, revealing to be a walker turned Walden. "What kind of dumbass has a suit with the living dead roaming around?"

"Probably some idiot from Wall Street." Charlie replied. "How much gas you got on the bus?" he asked as the head came closer and closer to them

"Half a tank." Berda said. "You?"

Charlie shrugged his shoulders and said. "Same thing. There's a gas station at least six miles away back from here. We'll get what gas is left, then head out again." Walden's head was suddenly stomped by a man with grey hair, wearing bandanna, and bandolier while holding a Smith and Wesson

"Damn it. These things can be everywhere sometimes." the man wiped the blood and brain matter off his shoe. "Thing almost looked familiar."

"Herb, let's go!" Charlie yelled out

"Coming!" Herb got in the car as they drove off, leaving the pile of walkers on the end of the road with the bus following them


End file.
